You may be surprised by all the reasons why my daughter will never wear Heelarious heels.

Here are the obvious ones first.

1.She's a baby.

2. SHE'S A BABY.

Now, 3.

I don't hate these because they're slutty.

And tacky.

I hate them because we've all forgotten an idea that used to be important in our culture- the Rite of Passage.

Here's the scenario the way it used to work... You sneak into your mom's closet. You slip on heels that are five inches too big on you. You dream of the day when you will be a grown-up and own a pair of your own. And then one day, years and years later, you are that grown-up. And you get the shoes.

And you wear them.

And it's special.

You fucknuts.

Um.

You're wondering what that is, aren't you.

Here, I'll tell you.

It's a CREDIT CARD TEETHER*. As in a CREDIT CARD babies can TEETHE on.

You can do the work this time. I know you can.

*Oh, look. It's made by those Heelarious geniuses. No shit.

Anything related to The Cheetah Girls or their ilk

DISCLAIMER: The Cheetah Girls have officially disbanded. I know. Disappointing. However.

More will come. Just like them. Wait for it.

________________________________________________________

My daughter will never wear anything related to The Cheetah Girls. Or their ilk.

For those of you over the age of 12, The Cheetah Girls may be an unknowable singularity, a veritable black hole of Pop-ness. You may have seen them somewhere in passing and thought "Whaaaaa?" but then released the chaos from your mind back out into the ether.

Please, allow me.

In short, they were a girl group. A girl group, I was shocked to learn, that was "based on" a series of books. Books with titles like "Oops, Doggy Dog!" and "Supa Dupa Sparkle."^* Disney manufactured a movie and then a series around them. And then they became "recording artists."**

I just love that phrase.

Wikipedia informs me that they were award-winning. They won several Radio Disney awards. Amazing. Also, a "Communications Award." NB - The quotation marks belong to Wiki ... as if they too are thinking, "We're not sure if this is a real award either." They've sold hundreds of thousands of DVDs, CDs, t-shirts, toothbrushes. And. So. On.

Now, I don't really mind any of this. I listened to a lot of bad music until I was at least 29. I also like the idea of some spunky gals for young girls to rally around.

But really, have you ever seen a bigger pile of hussy?

Ok, maybe not the girl in the middle. She seems comparatively fresh and darling. But what is it with the trampified bookends?

This. Group. Was. Marketed. To. 3-9. Year-olds.

Here's what girl groups looked like when I was a kid.



Full disclosure: The GoGo's were actual hussies. Total coked-out, big-party hussies. But I didn't know that by looking at them.

But even if you're 7 you have an idea of what this means:

^* I don't remember reading anything with that stupid a title when I was a young girl. And I read the ENTIRE Sweet Valley High series.

^** I enjoyed the name of their second album "TCG".Very astute of them to incorporate pomo fragmentation- like KFC- in a brave attempt to hide the fact that they're comprised entirely of eyelash glue and dung.

An Air of Sanctimony

Sanctimony drives me nutty.

My daughter will never wear an air of sanctimony. You know, like the one I wear. The very one that makes me write this blog. Here's my hate mail to myself.

________________________________________________________

Dear ME,

You are a sanctimonious prick. I don't know why you think you're smarter than everyone else. I don't know why you think you're better. I'm sure you'll deride me for being clichéd but here's your picture in the dictionary next to the definition of "sanctimony."


SANCTIMONY n. Feigned piety or righteousness; hypocritical devoutness or high-mindedness.


You of all people should know that you don't really have control of your mind and that most of your decisions are based on emotional impulses and not pure ratiocination. * And who are you to judge feelings?

I'm just saying.

It's strange that you think your choices are better when your life is as much of a pile of doodoo as anyone else's. Who cares if some people put stupid clothes on their kids? Isn't that their prerogative? Aren't those things just material and ergo immaterial to what's really material?

Why don't you go take another online IQ test.

Yours truly,
ME

* This "idea of the moment" in neuroscience is sure to be passé in a few years. Or maybe seconds. But, at least in the immediate** future, you will look clever if you mention it at dinner parties.

** Immediate means now. This instant. Too late.

Limited Too - Justice clothing line

Let's make the world a better place. Yes, let's. I'll start.
________________________________________________

Dear Limited Too,

Let's put aside the cynical ride you're taking on the Obama bus for a minute. Marketing to people's legitimate hopes and dreams is creepy enough. I spent $100 on a Shepard Fairey poster. I should know.

But you don't really care about Peace and Love. You don't really want to make the world a better place. I bet your CEO flies his jet to Starbucks in the morning like every other Evil Millionaire. * I also don't like your insipient "Looks you luv for less!" tagline [emphasis mine, stupid exclamation mark yours]. Way to say "yay!" to girls and then cut their legs out from under them by encouraging bad spelling. And what's with the horseys and winking koala bear shit? I remember when you sold t-shirts that said crap like "I take drugs and never do my homework." Ok, not that. But something close to it. So I'm not buying into your Peace, Love, and Happiness bullshit. I know your game.

Unless of course you're really fishing for souls. If you were, say, really looking for converts and were run by some behind-the-scenes religious fanatic who wants to catch girls while they're young and manipulate them into joining his bizzarre cult in its quest to build "New America" on the Saturnian moon of Tethys. Then I might consider letting my daughter wear your stuff. Because I'd like her to be able to go to Tethys. But that's not the case. At least, I don't think it is.

Please let me know if it is.

Yours always (hearts, xoxo, exclamation mark),
ME



* Oh yes. Yes he does.

Overpriced Strollers

Fine. Not "wear" but "ride in."

Here's my love/hate letter to overpriced strollers. I do love. And hate. All at once. Needless to say, my child will not be riding in one.

_____________________________________________________________


Dear Stroller-that-costs-more-than-most-people-pay-in-rent,

You certainly look good. You look as good as that Maybach I saw on Sunset last week.

Yes, that good.

But you're just as unnecessary. There's no reason, absolutely no reason, any child needs to ride around in a $1000 stroller. There just isn't. You aren't safer. You aren't smoother, really. Unless we're going 4-wheeling. Which we're not.

No, there's no reason for your existence.

Except to stroke the egos of a bunch of narcissistic yuppie fucks.

I'm just saying.

Now, before you scream "class warfare"... Listen, even if I had tons of money sitting around in the bank I still wouldn't buy you. I wouldn't. I have too much sense for that. You couldn't understand that. Because you're a stroller.

I push my child around in a $160 stroller and it works just fine. I don't think my child notices a difference. I will admit, that I do notice a difference for myself. Every once in a while. When I push my perfectly lovely child past another parent and they're pushing their not-so-lovely child in a stroller like you. I get peeved. And slightly embarrassed. I am human, after all-- but I'm man and woman enough to deal with that pain.

I don't think you are. Because you're an inanimate object. That sucks. Because you're essentially useless.

Yours,

ME

p.s.- I hate your frakking aspirational marketing. It sucks. Like you.

p.p.s. - You're pretty.

Gold Digger Onesies

Asshat: "ZOMG, that's too funny! LMAO!!"

Me: You are an Asshat.

Here's the letter I will write to you when you put this on your child:

Dear Buttmunch,

I'm sorry, I don't know your real name. I think "Buttmunch" will suffice for all intensive purposes* from here on in.

You should really take this atrocity off your child. I know you think it's "funny ha-ha" but it's really only "not funny stupid". Two points:

1) You know and I know and we all know that things like these will be put on baby girls for the most part. Definitely the brown one-- see the little gold tutu thing on the sides? Anyway, you're not just putting something [vomit] cute on your kid... you're putting an idea on them. An idea that glamorizes a stereotype of women as manipulative whores. No, no, you say, it's not that serious.

2) Yes. It is.

Best,

ME

* This is how Buttmunch says "intents and purposes".