You may be surprised by all the reasons why my daughter will never wear Heelarious heels.

Here are the obvious ones first.

1.She's a baby.

2. SHE'S A BABY.

Now, 3.

I don't hate these because they're slutty.

And tacky.

I hate them because we've all forgotten an idea that used to be important in our culture- the Rite of Passage.

Here's the scenario the way it used to work... You sneak into your mom's closet. You slip on heels that are five inches too big on you. You dream of the day when you will be a grown-up and own a pair of your own. And then one day, years and years later, you are that grown-up. And you get the shoes.

And you wear them.

And it's special.

You fucknuts.